disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. if you get lousy grades, it just tells you that you have not mugged hard enough. when i fail an interview, it stings really badly. you are putting your character on the line, trying to convince them that this is who you believe they are looking for. when you fail an interview, its like a huge dent on your self-confidence.

and its even worse when you do a project, you do most of the work, and someone else takes ALL the damn credit just because he could talk better. its really unfair how life is so darn cruel to you, how life makes hope spring eternal within you and crushes it subsequently.

you hope, you get crushed, you pick yourself up again, and it happens. they say winners never quit, and quitters never win, but how do i know when to give up? i don't want to fail my whole life. i really don't.

i have the passion, and i truly believe i have what it takes. why?

it hurts so much that it doesn't even bother me anymore. pain just accumulates, and when you hit your threshold, you keep persevering by telling yourself that life is beautiful. you are living on a belief, and belief alone.

maybe when it becomes a case of you against the world, you should learn to bet on the world.

let's face reality. i think i just suck.

i haven't had time to juggle two blogs. the other one's pretty stifled up already since a teacher has started to read it, and many people whom i do not know... one month has passed, and reading my previous post, i am starting to think that they was made in my positive impression of JC life...

its more complicated than that, i am more tired than ever, and there's never enough time.

oh bother.

that my heart is in another school, leaving my brain to focus on my studies in JC, without all the emotional distractions that might steer a student off onto the wrong path.

i intend to keep it that way. oh well. orientation is coming, and i hope its fun. i checked streetdirectory.com, and i do indeed have a direct bus to her house, with a short walk. that's quite heartening.

the world is shrouded with appearances, it seems that it is very hard for me to find out what is real and what is not anymore.

clothes used to be just a simple way of keeping a person warm, covering his body, and it has slowly evolved into a fashion statement. so what if you spend so much money on branded clothes? it doesn't really change the fact that its still a piece of cloth.

friends are supposed to be there for each other, to remain loyal, to believe in you, and the ones who give you hope. but even when you thought you had never betrayed that person and stuck it out with him through thick and thin, does he reciprocate?

they say appearances are deceiving, and it may well be very true. someone whom you thought was your friend may still smile and banter with you, and when you leave, start to spout the vilest nonsense about you.

i'm not saying that this is a personal experience, but observing, and thinking with quite a lot of free time in my hands, that this world's beauty may actually be marred by the existence of mankind.

can we not do anything to rectify it? why do we always strive to change the natural way in which we behave, in which we do things, so as to give ourselves the impression that something is organised, something is very much in order?

if we no longer can trust appearances, what can we trust? immeasurable things like faith, love and hope? but if we cannot see those things, how do we believe in its existence?

it is quite interesting to note that the quest for wisdom often throws up more questions than answers, and life is only worth living if you seek the answers to these questions in your daily life. very often, inspiration for things you've never thought of before pop out in different forms, and i am still searching for what i need to answer my own questions.

speaking of faith, love and hope, even these abstract ideas have been tainted by the material world. love between adults has often translated into the need even to demarcate the boundaries of material assets belonging to each party in a marriage. if a couple has to do all this in case of a divorce, why marry? granted, sometimes marriages aren't as wonderful as Hollywood portrays it to be, but why should a couple think about divorce even right at the start of the marriage and make provisions for it?

love is all about caring and sharing, and it is quite hard to understand how they can do it if they can't even share the most basic thing: material assets? after all, material assets are the most basic, but not necessarily the most beautiful form of sharing. the spirit, the soul, thoughts, emotions, dreams, the essential things that drive humans forward.

maybe there is something good about boy-girl relationships. although it may not last as long, it would not be that drastically affected by the material world, since the parents are taking care of their material needs. this opens up a possibility where the teenagers take care of each others' psychological needs, the higher sharing that may not necessarily be present in a marriage.

i'm not sure if she would read this, i'm not sure whether i want her to read this, i'm not sure whether i'm ready for it, i'm not sure whether she even wants it.

but it would be good i hope. and then maybe i would understand the true power of love, the power that can motivate so many, and maybe i'll get a greater spur to move forward and unlock life's many mysteries.

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

it seems pretty weird why i almost never tell lies to others, and almost always lie to myself.

it seems that i am trying to live in an alternate reality to the one i am living in. or is it?

on closer inspection of my life now, i would say that above friends, there are three things i value more: the family. the lab. her.

maybe that's how i should plan my holiday schedule, but i wouldn't get to meet her all the time (or maybe even at all), so my outings with friends most probably won't be affected.

besides she has her own priorities, which as the word "priority" suggests, is more important.

i guess that's about it. i shouldn't try to deny my feelings, because it won't really help... the brain vs the heart, i think sometimes the heart still wins.